Thursday, June 20, 2013
Yep...1 year, 482 days since my last post, 1 baby girl later.... it's time to get my butt back on the fitness and health wagon again. This will be the hardest post I write because this is my starting point (again) and I'm 20 pounds over my last highest weight...thanks to my overindulgeness when pregnant, laziness, and bad choices. I'm about to get real y'all and it's gonna hurt but I have to put it out there so I can make changes and heal this unhealthy body. The Good: After losing 60 pounds last go round, my body began to function like it was supposed to because my PCOS was under control and I was able to get pregnant. I give all the glory to God and I pray I'll be able to have a second child in the future. My daughter has made my world complete and I will do anything for her. The main reason I want to get back on track is because of her. I want to be a healthy mom, a role model, an inspiration to her, and I want to live the longest life I can so I cam experience life with her. My heart beats differently now an my eyes see the world in a different way. I'm blessed that I was able to carry her myself and had no health problems through it all. The Bad: I have completely lost my mindset and I'm praying that ill get it back. I'm in a bible study right now and we are studying a book called Secrets which focuses on marriage. However, the first chapter discusses the 4 basic needs everyone seeks to satisfy throughout life: security, identity, acceptance, and purpose. After studying this chapter and digging deep down, acceptance is the one I struggle with the most. I have spent many years working on my self esteem and loving me for who I am (which I do) but if I really keep digging I realize that I'm still insecure and it is (and always has been) because of my weight. I feel like I'm constantly being judged by my size instead of my personality or heart. When I get dressed to go anywhere I look through my closet and think of what outfit hides me the best. It's exhausting and has limited my wardrobe to 5-6 outfits which is awful for a girl in her 20's. When I lost the 60 pounds last time, I was wearing clothes that I would kill to wear now. I still had a long way to go but I felt more confident than I had in years. Now, 20 pounds heavier than my highest weight, so 80 pounds more than what I weighed a year and a half ago, I feel like I'm hiding inside a body I don't recognize. My PCOS has been the battle I've been fighting almost my whole life and even when I lose the weight, I'll never be able to get rid of PCOS. There is no cure...and that my friend is the biggest battle in my mind. It's almost too defeating to even think about but I know if I want to live a full life I have to battle it with everything I have. So....game on....I'm ready to fight. The Ugly: 80 pounds....80 pounds more than I weighed a year and a half ago. All of that work I put in last time is gone. I feel like I blinked and it's back on again. I realize that it didn't just come back on with a blink but with bad choice after bad choice over a period of time. It amazes me how hard it is to get the weight off an how easily it comes back on. I loved being pregnant and almost loved it too much. I made it an excuse to eat whatever I wanted because hey, I was going to gain weight anyway. However, I gained far more than I should have and it continued to pile on after pregnancy when sleepless nights, stress, and pure exhaustion set in. I kept taking the easy way out but eating fast food, taking far too many naps, eating sweets like they were a main food group, and not exercising. 7 months later and I'm now ready to get back on track. I feel awful. Physically awful. Tired. Embarrassed. Ugly. Unhealthy. Scared. Defeated. I don't want to carry this weight anymore. I don't want to feel embarrassed when I leave the house that I'm still carrying all the baby weight plus some. I don't want to only wear black. I don't want to be a bad example for my precious daughter who is starting to watch my every move. I don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to cry because I have such low confidence in myself behind closed doors. I'm done. I'm ready....ready to feel beautiful again. Ready for my smile to shine across my face again without my cheeks puffing out. Ready to feel confident in the woman God created me to be. Ready to love who I am. Ready for my daughter to be proud that I'm her mom. Ready to feel healthy. Ready for my husband to be proud of who he married. So, here goes my journey again. I would love for you to follow me and cheer me on. I will make mistakes and ill do things that you may not agree with but please, just cheer me on instead of criticizing everything I do because this is my journey and I'm going to do what works best for me. Thank you for joining me once again on this journey. I'm excited to see what God has planned for my future and my family's future. Cheers to starting over and reaching success!